EFY.

Okay, so I read the post I did on my previous EFY experience back in February and man, I have to say I didn't represent myself properly.
I was making myself look like some anti-social teenager who's afraid of human contact. Not true, and anybody who knows me would be surprised to read that. I'm the girl who randomly gives my friends hugs when they least expect it and who actually means it when I casually tell people that I love them.
I'm actually a very outgoing and reasonably friendly person, but by reading that you wouldn't be able to tell. I'll admit, usually when I first meet people I'm kind of quiet. I like to figure people and situations out before I "come out of my shell" but yeah, once I get over myself I'm a pretty lively person.
I was writing like that because I was (and still am) kind of sick of people assuming certain things. Just because my sister who looks and acts a whole lot like me got married when she was 18 doesn't mean that I will or that I appreciate everybody assuming that that's what's going to happen.
So that's why I act like I'm not too fond of the idea of getting married (I secretly am, don't tell anybody)
Also, I live hard by the rule that you should be the type of person you want to marry. I hate it when guys talk about how hot certain girls are, so I don't do anything of the sort with guys. Ask any of my friends; the words "he's hot" haven't escape my mouth for a long time. That's where the whole thing where I was acting almost like I wasn't interested in guys in the least came from.
Plus, I just don't like the idea of being some stereotypical Mormon girl with her eyes set on nothing but having a family and who bakes cookies in her spare time.

To be honest with you, I'm still the exact same person who wrote that post. Back then, I was trying to convince everybody that I was somebody who I've never been and never will be. I was sick of people assuming that I wanted to get married and that I was boy-crazy and that I was unconditionally friendly and what else, so I was just trying to put them in their place.
I've learned since then that I become a very unhappy person when I attempt this, so I've been acting more like myself. That is to say happy, friendly, crazy, bumps-into-chairs-and-says-sorry-thinking-they're-people Christi. I'm sure all my friends appreciate her return almost as much as I do.

So now that I've weirded you out with my emotional/personality change I'll tell you about EFY.

My roomy used to be my best friend, but she moved away to British Columbia over a year ago. Recently she moved back, but we haven't had much of a chance to re-unite, so we decided to be EFY roomies. It was so nice to see her again. To be honest with you, it's a miracle that we get along so well. I prefer to have a few, really good friends while she prefers to have as many friends as she can get. So although I'm not the type of person who's comfortable in a huge crowd of people I don't know, I found myself in that situation many times and somehow managing to enjoy it. Although we stayed friends, for the most part I spent my time with a smaller group than hers.
The first night I had trouble falling asleep because all the girls in our group had turned our evening devotional into a 'let's talk about how much our lives suck' fest. There was one girl whose best friend died, another whose boyfriend was in the hospital after a car accident who’s probably never going to walk again and another whose parents are going through a nasty divorce. All three of these girls were brought to tears by their troubles and of course... I was too. Everybody assumed that I had some tragic story to share because I was acting like I did. It seemed to them that there was some deep hurt which I wanted to talk about, but wasn't. I guess that was true enough, but it wasn't what they were thinking, far from it I think I can safely say.
I only shared why I was so upset with my roommate that night while we were lying in bed, supposedly trying to fall asleep..
I never get upset about anything. Even the things that I really should get upset about, I don't. The only reason I cried when my dog died was because my sister was beside herself with tears and it was practically torturing me to see her so upset. The only reason I cry at funerals is because not everybody has what I have. They don't believe in God and in Heaven and if they do they usually don't understand why He'd take away their loved one(s).
I wasn't crying because of something that happened to me, I wasn't even crying because of what happened to these girls. Although they were upset now, I knew they had testimonies and that they'd find solace in the scriptures or in prayer. I was crying and found it hard to sleep that night because I couldn't stop thinking about the people who struggle alone. When something bad happens to me I read some scriptures, pray and/or read my patriarchal blessing. All the people out there that don't have the Gospel also don't have the scriptures, communication with God and definitely don't have any written blessing to turn to.
My natural instinct when I see somebody in pain of any kind is to help them. What bothered me was that I couldn't help those people. I wanted to take away their pain, completely willing to suffer for it myself if I had to, but most of them wouldn't take a Book of Mormon if I offered it and I couldn't think of any way to just take away their pain.
When I said earlier that when I casually tell people that I love them I mean it, well I really do. I can't stand to watch helplessly as other people struggle. I need to help them, yet rarely ever can. My true happiness and sorrow can only be found in theirs. If that's not love -even on a small degree- I don't know what is.
So yeah, that love is what brought me to tears that night, it's what kept me awake for over an hour even though I was exhausted, it's what makes me compliment people so often and it's also what makes me critique people as bluntly as I do. To be honest with you, my worst fear is for the wrong person to realize how much I love them and to use it against me. This, on a deeper level is what made me act so anti-social before. Like I said though, I've learned that I'm happier being myself, even if it means I might get hurt from time to time.

Those who love are the happiest people alive, those who love, but hate to love are the saddest people alive and those who can just mind their own freaking business are probably the luckiest people alive. Since I can't just mind my own business, I have two choices: 1) hate the fact that I love everybody and let it torment my soul every night as I think about it or 2) I can embrace it and let it control me instead of the other way around and be happy while influencing others to feel happy as well.

So yeah, sorry. For some reason I felt I needed to write that. I can't imagine why, I don't think anybody even reads this blog, but I have faith that there's purpose in everything, so there you go.
Other than that, nothing in particular happened that’s worth mentioning at EFY. Well… I dunno, I guess that’s not completely true, but I think this post is long enough already, so I’m ending it… now.



Evening Devotional - In terms of EFY it's a short, small meeting with your group before you go to bed.